Sex on the floor

Image source: Shawn Econo

This morning when I came into the kitchen, Suegra excitedly told me about a great pair of shoes, barely used, that she dug out of someone’s trash down the street. My nose instinctively crinkled but I managed to mutter, “Qué bueno.” Suegra could tell my enthusiasm wasn’t sincere, but as usual, she continued talking.

“They had other good things in their trash but a man came by walking his dog and I felt ashamed so I left it and came back home.”

I nodded while waiting for my toast to pop up. Maybe she was expecting me to tell her she had no reason to be ashamed because she looked thoughtful and then asked,

“What do Americans think about people getting things out of the trash?”

My toast popped up.

“Um, they probably think you’re homeless,” I said shrugging.

She shook her head, “He saw me come back to the house, so he knows I have a place to live.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant. What I mean to say is, they would probably think you’re poor… or dirty.”

Suegra sighed. “What a spoiled life Americans live that they can just throw nice things in the trash… You know what else was near the trash can?” she said, getting excited again.

I looked at her blankly.

“A carpet! It was a nice carpet, all rolled up. I should go back and get it!”

I had to think of something to say to discourage her from bringing a filthy rug back to the house. It isn’t like we have any need of it, and she has no room for it in her tiny, cluttered bedroom. I’m not trying to be funny when I tell you, I think she has that hoarder disease. She is way beyond “pack rat”.

“The rug could be dirty,” I said. She didn’t look convinced. “Maybe those people smoke cigarettes. It’ll stink.” … She still seemed defiant. “Maybe those people had sex on that carpet,” I blurted, knowing exactly how to disgust her.

“Ay, no!” she cried. I smiled in satisfaction. “Qué pecado! What sin! No, no, no,” she said, shaking her head, as if trying to dismiss the images that had entered her head. “Sex on the floor! That’s against God!”

I started to laugh. “Against God? What’s wrong with sex on the floor?”

She shook her head even more vigorously, her face pinched as if she’d throw up, disgusted that I found nothing wrong with it. I imagine at this point she realized that her daughter-in-law was defending sex on the floor because, sin of all sins, her daughter-in-law had had sex on the floor… with her son!

“No!” she said, “It’s wrong, it’s wrong. God would condemn sex on the floor. It isn’t right.”

I smirked. “And Adam and Eve? You think they had a bed?”

22 thoughts on “Sex on the floor

  1. HAHAHA! That is hilarious, you’ve completely scarred her “innocent” mind. Probably you just reminded her of a good ol’ time she had back in the day, and she had to play it off. I’m sure she had her day on the rug once, no matter her disgust. Hahaha!

  2. Humicat – Actually, I would bet money that she hasn’t. According to Mr. Lopez, she and his father used to sleep in separate beds. Very, very old fashioned.

  3. hahahahahaha!
    Good one! I was thinking it had pet urine or a barf stain that just wouldn’t come out…. but your reasoning is much more FUN.
    I USED to be a packrat…. but I have learned the fine craft of saying “no” to free things (even when they have some use left in them). You see my family growing up was poor (by western standards) so I have had “issues”. Now, I simply have to remind myself that I am not wanting for anything, and it should be left to someone that needs it more…. I still have to remind myself sometimes, but not as often as I used to.

    • @ Pol – My Suegra grew up super poor – like third world country National Geographic Channel poor. I imagine that has probably contributed to her hoarding illness.

      I’m sorry you struggled with that and still do at times. My sister has also dealt with it and I know it isn’t a happy feeling.

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  5. I started reading your latest blog and decided I should do it correctly, so here I am starting at the beginning. The sex on the floor is too funny. I think if it ever comes up again, you should get some kinda of scratch on your knees and tell her that they are rug burns……..that would probably put her over the edge for real.

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  7. This reminds me so much of my MIL, even the hoarding…lol! Well, at least you had some fun with her…I wish I would have done more to torture my MIL…lol. I used to tell her strange names that we would give our children because it drove her nuts to suggest anything but a Christian name…lol. Ahhh…fond memories. :)

  8. Just getting caught up on all my blog reading. Uh, She’s BACK?!! Did I miss something?! When did she get back?!

    I just read the post about the different phases of your blogging life. Too cool, Miss.

    • No, no! LOL, this is a very old blog post. It must have come through to your reader when I updated it with a photo.

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